Perfection

How would you feel if nothing you did was ever good enough? What if no matter how hard you tried or how hard you pushed you always fell short? What of when someone asked you a question you never felt like you had the right answer or enough data to support your answer?

 

It's exhausting, painful and frustrating. It's also the constant mantra in my head. "Do better. push further, try harder" Nothing is every enough. It's like running a race without a finish line. Everyone wants to be their best but where do you draw the line between ambition and obsession? What if you can't?

Walls and Fences

Sometimes when people talk about creating boundaries, what they really mean is a wall. They want to create separate compartments and sections to hide areas of their lives. Healthy boundaries are more like fences. They aren't erected to keep people out permanently. They are created with both doors and locks so that the ebb and flow can be controlled. At times the door is left open while at other times it may be closed and possibly locked. Fences can be used to protect delicate flowers or to allow workmen to repair damaged pathways. They protect both those on the inside and those on the outside.

 

When working on recovery, it can be difficult to set up boundaries, especially if they are unfamiliar. While I may want to help others, be a good friend and prove how strong I am, without fences it is too easy to end up emotionally, physically & psychologically drained. When this happens I am unable to help anyone, including myself. My biggest fear is that my friends will see me as distant or, even worse, uncaring. This could not be further from the truth. I have learned though that if I don't start setting and enforcing boundaries I won't be able to support my friends and those I love at all.

Guest Blogger

One of my very good friends wrote this and I am honored that she agreed to let me share it.

When we are deeply hurt, I think our instinct is to isolate ourselves emotionally, in an attempt to avoid similar hurt in the future. Sadly, this doesn't keep us safe from hurt, it just keeps up lonely. It's what makes us feel completely alone in a crowded room. We are not built for emotional solitude. Everyone has to be able to let someone in. The tricky thing is figuring out who is deserving of that level of trust. I think that everyone needs a person who has seen you at your worst and knows you at your best and loves you the same either way. This person for whom we open the door.  ~JB

Rules and Bamboo

Rules. They keep us safe and create order in our lives. From speed limits to the unwritten one of standing in line in a store, they influence & shape the world around us. They are created by society and in personal lives. While society has the rule to stop at a stop sign, a personal one might be to never leave the house without a cell phone and money for a cab. Some rules, like wearing a seatbelt, have stood the test of time and remained, others such as "It is illegal to take a lion to the movies in Baltimore City Maryland" seem quite silly now.

 

 

Some personal rules change over time as well. You may have had a rule as a child that all crusts had to be cut off of your sandwiches, while as an adult you like the crust and keep it on. But what happens when the rules no longer make sense and yet you can't change them? One of my rules is that people in my life only get one chance. I don't mean that they can never make a mistake. I mean that if I trust someone and they break that trust my rules don't usually let me give them another chance without some sort of consequence. This rule doesn't always make sense to everyone and certainly doesn't work in every situation. It is both a safety net and a stumbling block for me. Recently I've been stuck in this rule. A trust was broken but I wouldn't choose a consequence. Neither of the usual options were palatable and not choosing didn't seem like an option either so I got stuck in a holding pattern. The more I've thought about it, the more it reminds me of bamboo. Bamboo can be beautiful and provide beautiful landscaping, however it is an invasive species. Once planted, it sends out a complicated system of roots as far and as fast as it can. Many a homeowner has found, to their detriment, that just cutting it down or pulling up the roots won't get rid of bamboo once it is established. My rules are the same way. So now the trick is to figure out not only what rules no longer work but also how to get rid of them, roots and all.

What is Truth?

Truth (as a noun) conformity with fact or reality ....and then there are the "truths" we tell when we are listening to our eating disorders. It's so easy to say " I already ate" when what I mean is "I ate at a time before now but not the meal that you are thinking of, but I know you won't ask for details." I can justify it because the statement is technically true - at least until my conscience kicks in and then I feel even worse. Today a co-worker said "You're starving?" to which I responded "No, actually I just had lunch so I'm really quite full." Of course I knew what she meant but it seemed safer to use the ed-truth. Even as it came out of my mouth I knew it was wrong, so when another friend told me that she had tattled on ed today, it inspired me to try it.

Its a really scary thing to actually admit to someone exactly what you are doing ed-wise. It also makes me feel a little more free because it's no longer a secret.

For Tom

Spring is right around the corner. The trees are getting ready to bud and the flowers are preparing to bloom. It's a time or rebirth and renewal. It's a time of joy. Spring used to be my favorite time of the year until the year Tom committed suicide. I still love the springtime but it's bittersweet. Today this is for him.

clever boy
other half of my heart
you wandered away too soon

laying in the grass
my head on your chest
your heartbeat in my ears
fingers entwined

sun in our eyes
breeze on our skin
soft kisses on my forehead
did you know you know then you were leaving?

gentle songs from your lips
stories from the heart
if you had asked then
i would have surely gone with you

years came and went
sadness remains but softens
you believed in my song 
when you couldn't believe in your own

clever boy
other half of my heart
you wandered away too soon
now i will sing loud enough for us both

Trust

“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” - Maria V Snyder, Poison Study

 

I have a hard time trusting people, so when I decide to make the leap, it's a big deal. When I perceive that someone has broken that trust, it's an even bigger deal. I've never been able to do a trust walk without peeking to see where we are going. I've never been able to even attempt a trust fall.

 

Trust is a delicate thing, like the thin stem of a wine glass. Although fragile, it can support the weight of the bowl and the wine inside. However, apply enough pressure and it can shatter into hundreds of razor sharp fragments.

 

To have trust broken on purpose is devastating. To have it broken by accident is only slightly less painful. So, to protect myself, I created rules. If I decide to really trust someone and they break that trust, they don't usually get a second chance. If I give them a second chance and they break that trust again, there are consequences and they usually involve some sort of punishment. These aren't random rules that I created out of air. These are the result of spending years being manipulated and lied to by someone who should have protected me. Time after time I forgave. Time after time I believed it would never happen again. Time after time I trusted until I couldn't do it anymore.

 

Learning to trust again has been hard. It's two steps forward and one back. It's a dance of uncertainty on a tightrope of faith and I am balancing as best as I can.