Listening to 5

I didn't want to get up this morning. I wasn't tired, I just didn't feel like myself. My inner grown up said "You have to go to work, so get up." I went to work and felt slightly grumpy but I made myself stay all day and even late. I pushed through laundry and trudged off to the grocery store to shop. I was fighting really hard to be an adult when I suddenly felt like sitting down in one of the aisles and crying. So I took a deep breath and finally listened to my inner 5 yr old. When I really listened, I realized that my ears hurt and I didn't feel well. A trip to urgent care revealed a raging ear infection.

Isn't this what most of us do all the time? We push past being tired & are quick to deny our needs. Whether you call it being "noble" or "strong" or just chalk it up to "doing what needs to be done" it really isn't beneficial. What is your inner 5 yr old trying to tell you?

Sacrifices

My Great Great Grandmothers gave up their social lives to raise my Grandmother. My Grandmother gave up her college scholarship and education to raise her brother. These are just a couple instances in a long line of sacrifices that I have had drilled into my head since I was very small. We weren't Socialists or Unitarians but those values still seemed to be prevalent in many of the life lessons. I was taught that it is more noble to sacrifice one's own desires, beliefs and possessions for the sake of others. In a perverse way I was also taught that everything can be taken away from you, so it's better to hold onto nothing.

 

Through the years I tried to rebel. When you are a child, such rebellion is countered with the threat of being left at home alone, unwanted and shamed. As a teenager the result is physical & emotional violence followed by grounding. Once you are an adult you are simply ignored and labeled as selfish. None of the reactions are pleasant but the one reserved for adulthood seems the least traumatic. The secret is that it doesn't have to be, because the damage has already been done. It reminds me of a story I heard once about how elephants are trained to stay in one place with only a bit of rope tethering them to a single wooden peg. They start when the elephant is a baby and they use a heavy chain. The youngster learns that it can only wander as far as the chain will allow it. When it is older, it retains that memory of not being able to escape and so it doesn't bother to try, even though it could now easily walk away.

 

The problem with self-sacrifice is that, like the elephant's tether, it is hard to walk away, because you are held captive by your beliefs. The other problem is that it can be a very lonely place. Some people will take everything that you have,and then when you don't even have enough to sustain yourself, will walk away. Other people will be appreciative at first but will never know who you might be beneath the layers. And then there are a very very few people who will see past "fine" and will give you a piece of themselves - not because you asked but because they knew you needed it. These are special people. Try to hold onto them even when it goes against everything you've been taught.

Secrets

Secrets. They are funny things. In treatment you are constantly asked to tell the truth and not keep them. You are reminded over and over that you are as sick as your secrets. You are encouraged and expected share your real thoughts and feelings all the time. Yet, if you were to do the same thing outside of those four walls, you would surely be shunned.

 

The very young are advised "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." and the very old have their comments attributed to a declining ability to filter. For the rest of us, it is a path of hot coals that we traverse as we try to determine the acceptable level of truth in each situation. When someone ask " How are you?", do they really want to know or or is it just the current equivalent to "Hello"? Someone else asks "What do you think?". Are they actually asking for your opinion or do they just need someone to agree with their point of view? It can truly be a slippery slope - especially if you guess wrong.

 

What is a girl to do? Keeping secrets also means wearing a mask. It prevents you from being honest with those around you - even when that is what you want the most. I used to think it was my best protection ever. As long as I had my secrets, I was safe. I could remain silent as the world around me spun in chaos. If no one knew what I really thought or felt. I thought I couldn't be hurt because no one knew me well enough to know how to hurt me. But, that was also the problem. No one knew me well enough to know when I was hurt or scared so no one could offer comfort. No one knew when I needed help, so no one helped. No one knew where I went when I needed to think and no one knew when I didn't want to be alone so no one went looking for me. And, no one knew when I was happy, so they couldn't celebrate victories with me. The very wall of secrets that I had built to keep me safe was the same one that kept me isolated and was slowly killing me.

 

Then one day I either got very brave or vary tired (I'm still not sure which). I told someone one of my secrets and then sat back to see what would happen. I didn't spontaneously combust and they didn't run screaming from the room. In fact, they said that they already knew (or at least had an idea). As time goes on, I pick and choose who I trust and who I share with. Sometimes I have good experiences and sometimes I chalk it up to learning experiences. When you share those parts of yourself with the right people, they are more willing to share parts of themselves with you as well. On the whole, it's been a very liberating experience and a lot less lonely.

Fear

Fear can be a great motivator or it can be an incredible stumbling block. It can spur you on to make positive decisions or it can prevent you from moving at all. Those who say that they have no fear are neither honest nor worthy of trust In the end, it's not the absence of fear but rather how you confront it that makes a difference

 

In the past week I battled my fear of becoming completely obsessed with my scale by sending it on vacation to my therapist's office. I challenged my fear of Spring by writing about Thomas. I confronted my fear of change by making an appointment with a new primary care doctor. Yet, as hard as I have fought, I am still afraid.

 

I fear my meal plan and not being able to tell if/ when I am hungry. I fear memories that seem more vivid than before. I fear not being good enough, smart enough or strong enough to sort through it all. And above all else, I'm afraid of disappointing those around me when the figure out how afraid I really am.

Perfection

How would you feel if nothing you did was ever good enough? What if no matter how hard you tried or how hard you pushed you always fell short? What of when someone asked you a question you never felt like you had the right answer or enough data to support your answer?

 

It's exhausting, painful and frustrating. It's also the constant mantra in my head. "Do better. push further, try harder" Nothing is every enough. It's like running a race without a finish line. Everyone wants to be their best but where do you draw the line between ambition and obsession? What if you can't?

Walls and Fences

Sometimes when people talk about creating boundaries, what they really mean is a wall. They want to create separate compartments and sections to hide areas of their lives. Healthy boundaries are more like fences. They aren't erected to keep people out permanently. They are created with both doors and locks so that the ebb and flow can be controlled. At times the door is left open while at other times it may be closed and possibly locked. Fences can be used to protect delicate flowers or to allow workmen to repair damaged pathways. They protect both those on the inside and those on the outside.

 

When working on recovery, it can be difficult to set up boundaries, especially if they are unfamiliar. While I may want to help others, be a good friend and prove how strong I am, without fences it is too easy to end up emotionally, physically & psychologically drained. When this happens I am unable to help anyone, including myself. My biggest fear is that my friends will see me as distant or, even worse, uncaring. This could not be further from the truth. I have learned though that if I don't start setting and enforcing boundaries I won't be able to support my friends and those I love at all.

Guest Blogger

One of my very good friends wrote this and I am honored that she agreed to let me share it.

When we are deeply hurt, I think our instinct is to isolate ourselves emotionally, in an attempt to avoid similar hurt in the future. Sadly, this doesn't keep us safe from hurt, it just keeps up lonely. It's what makes us feel completely alone in a crowded room. We are not built for emotional solitude. Everyone has to be able to let someone in. The tricky thing is figuring out who is deserving of that level of trust. I think that everyone needs a person who has seen you at your worst and knows you at your best and loves you the same either way. This person for whom we open the door.  ~JB

Rules and Bamboo

Rules. They keep us safe and create order in our lives. From speed limits to the unwritten one of standing in line in a store, they influence & shape the world around us. They are created by society and in personal lives. While society has the rule to stop at a stop sign, a personal one might be to never leave the house without a cell phone and money for a cab. Some rules, like wearing a seatbelt, have stood the test of time and remained, others such as "It is illegal to take a lion to the movies in Baltimore City Maryland" seem quite silly now.

 

 

Some personal rules change over time as well. You may have had a rule as a child that all crusts had to be cut off of your sandwiches, while as an adult you like the crust and keep it on. But what happens when the rules no longer make sense and yet you can't change them? One of my rules is that people in my life only get one chance. I don't mean that they can never make a mistake. I mean that if I trust someone and they break that trust my rules don't usually let me give them another chance without some sort of consequence. This rule doesn't always make sense to everyone and certainly doesn't work in every situation. It is both a safety net and a stumbling block for me. Recently I've been stuck in this rule. A trust was broken but I wouldn't choose a consequence. Neither of the usual options were palatable and not choosing didn't seem like an option either so I got stuck in a holding pattern. The more I've thought about it, the more it reminds me of bamboo. Bamboo can be beautiful and provide beautiful landscaping, however it is an invasive species. Once planted, it sends out a complicated system of roots as far and as fast as it can. Many a homeowner has found, to their detriment, that just cutting it down or pulling up the roots won't get rid of bamboo once it is established. My rules are the same way. So now the trick is to figure out not only what rules no longer work but also how to get rid of them, roots and all.