Sacrifices

My Great Great Grandmothers gave up their social lives to raise my Grandmother. My Grandmother gave up her college scholarship and education to raise her brother. These are just a couple instances in a long line of sacrifices that I have had drilled into my head since I was very small. We weren't Socialists or Unitarians but those values still seemed to be prevalent in many of the life lessons. I was taught that it is more noble to sacrifice one's own desires, beliefs and possessions for the sake of others. In a perverse way I was also taught that everything can be taken away from you, so it's better to hold onto nothing.

 

Through the years I tried to rebel. When you are a child, such rebellion is countered with the threat of being left at home alone, unwanted and shamed. As a teenager the result is physical & emotional violence followed by grounding. Once you are an adult you are simply ignored and labeled as selfish. None of the reactions are pleasant but the one reserved for adulthood seems the least traumatic. The secret is that it doesn't have to be, because the damage has already been done. It reminds me of a story I heard once about how elephants are trained to stay in one place with only a bit of rope tethering them to a single wooden peg. They start when the elephant is a baby and they use a heavy chain. The youngster learns that it can only wander as far as the chain will allow it. When it is older, it retains that memory of not being able to escape and so it doesn't bother to try, even though it could now easily walk away.

 

The problem with self-sacrifice is that, like the elephant's tether, it is hard to walk away, because you are held captive by your beliefs. The other problem is that it can be a very lonely place. Some people will take everything that you have,and then when you don't even have enough to sustain yourself, will walk away. Other people will be appreciative at first but will never know who you might be beneath the layers. And then there are a very very few people who will see past "fine" and will give you a piece of themselves - not because you asked but because they knew you needed it. These are special people. Try to hold onto them even when it goes against everything you've been taught.