What is Truth?

Truth (as a noun) conformity with fact or reality ....and then there are the "truths" we tell when we are listening to our eating disorders. It's so easy to say " I already ate" when what I mean is "I ate at a time before now but not the meal that you are thinking of, but I know you won't ask for details." I can justify it because the statement is technically true - at least until my conscience kicks in and then I feel even worse. Today a co-worker said "You're starving?" to which I responded "No, actually I just had lunch so I'm really quite full." Of course I knew what she meant but it seemed safer to use the ed-truth. Even as it came out of my mouth I knew it was wrong, so when another friend told me that she had tattled on ed today, it inspired me to try it.

Its a really scary thing to actually admit to someone exactly what you are doing ed-wise. It also makes me feel a little more free because it's no longer a secret.

For Tom

Spring is right around the corner. The trees are getting ready to bud and the flowers are preparing to bloom. It's a time or rebirth and renewal. It's a time of joy. Spring used to be my favorite time of the year until the year Tom committed suicide. I still love the springtime but it's bittersweet. Today this is for him.

clever boy
other half of my heart
you wandered away too soon

laying in the grass
my head on your chest
your heartbeat in my ears
fingers entwined

sun in our eyes
breeze on our skin
soft kisses on my forehead
did you know you know then you were leaving?

gentle songs from your lips
stories from the heart
if you had asked then
i would have surely gone with you

years came and went
sadness remains but softens
you believed in my song 
when you couldn't believe in your own

clever boy
other half of my heart
you wandered away too soon
now i will sing loud enough for us both

Trust

“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” - Maria V Snyder, Poison Study

 

I have a hard time trusting people, so when I decide to make the leap, it's a big deal. When I perceive that someone has broken that trust, it's an even bigger deal. I've never been able to do a trust walk without peeking to see where we are going. I've never been able to even attempt a trust fall.

 

Trust is a delicate thing, like the thin stem of a wine glass. Although fragile, it can support the weight of the bowl and the wine inside. However, apply enough pressure and it can shatter into hundreds of razor sharp fragments.

 

To have trust broken on purpose is devastating. To have it broken by accident is only slightly less painful. So, to protect myself, I created rules. If I decide to really trust someone and they break that trust, they don't usually get a second chance. If I give them a second chance and they break that trust again, there are consequences and they usually involve some sort of punishment. These aren't random rules that I created out of air. These are the result of spending years being manipulated and lied to by someone who should have protected me. Time after time I forgave. Time after time I believed it would never happen again. Time after time I trusted until I couldn't do it anymore.

 

Learning to trust again has been hard. It's two steps forward and one back. It's a dance of uncertainty on a tightrope of faith and I am balancing as best as I can.

The Human Touch

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to keep you happy" - author unknown

So after the last blog I was asked "But what about you? Don't you ever feel like giving up?" The answer is of course I have. There have been times when I wanted to give up on recovery and even life. Honestly, who hasn't? I believe that everyone hits a rough spot or two or a hundred in their lives. Everyone wants to give up, even if just for a moment - anything to make the pain or fear stop. At my lowest times I've wanted to push everyone away and yet these are the moments when I've needed people the most.

On the day when the boy I loved gave up on life, my best friend reminded me that we had all lost a special person. She wasn't trying to lessen my pain but rather to make sure I knew I was included in the circle of those who were grieving. When my co-worker walked away from a job held for 15 years into the unknown, my co-workers shared their own confusion. Once again I felt less alone. Then there was the night I was tired of fighting for recovery. The past seemed insurmountable. The road seemed to dark. I felt like I couldn't go one more step. That night someone said to me "I believe in you, not the program you are in or the hospital. I believe in you" The power of those words made me take a breath and want to keep going

There aren't any magic wands but I believe in the power of the connection we have with each other. The stranger who holds the door for you; the clerk who shows off pictures of her new grandchild; the person who gives you the ten cents you are short and the friend who will sit with you when you don't have any words to say - these are magical moments. These are the sparks that keep the fires going. These are the human touch that we all need.

Look for the spark

What do you think about when someone gives up? Do you think "Well they never would have succeeded" or "Well they gave it a good try"? What if that someone is a person that you care about? Somehow the reactions change.

This week I watched two people that I care about give up. It wasn't the first time although I pray it will be the last. I've had friends give up dreams, others recovery. A co-worker walked out of work without giving any kind of notice. And a man who held my heart gave up on life.

What struck me is how familiar the road seems.

The obstacle

so large

so insurmountable

help is asked for

help is given

but somehow not enough

or not the right kind

help is begged for

but still no solution

decisions are made

bargains

promises

sparks of hope

but the blindness has set it

no turning back

one more try

then they are gone

Everyone feels like giving up sometimes. Everyone has obstacles and fears. I don't know what makes one person keep going while another gives up. Maybe it's being able to see that spark of hope in the darkness. Maybe it's knowing that someone believes in you. Whatever it is for you, don't lose sight of it and never stop fighting.

I Won't Grow Up

"When they tell me I am too old to do something, I attempt it immediately" Pablo Picasso

In the space of less than three days I was asked more than three times "Don't you think you're a little old for"...... My answer to that is NO!! Absolutely not! And furthermore, how DARE you even ask me that! So there!

Seriously, no one should ever be too old to enjoy life. Life is made up of so many wonderful things that fill the world with magic and color. When we stop noticing those things the world gets a little more grey and life seems a little less magical. Recovery is hard work and I, for one, need a little magic in my life.

Below is my little list of where I have found the magic this week. My challenge to you is to take a few minutes, hold your breath, count to ten and look for the magic around you.

* Go through a car wash. Close your eyes and listen to the water as it runs over and around you.
* Watch a dog sleep & dream
* Listen to the wind blow and imagine where it is going
* Follow a sunbeam
* Try out all the crayons in the box - twice
* Watch cartoons in your PJs
* Bubbles
* Listen to or read a classic children's story (My fave is The Wind in the Willows)

Resting

With many dogs in my house and many activities that take up my time, sometimes its hard to remember that I need to take time to rest. My friends have similar issues as I discovered recently when one sent me a text saying "I'll rest when I'm dead". However, having a sprained ankle & foot has definitely slowed me down. I didn't realize I was doing too much until I woke up this morning to discover my foot/ankle swelling up again - the result of doing too much yesterday. So today I basically stayed in bed. What I discovered was kinda cool.

One of our dogs is a natural cuddler. He doesn't just want to lay on my feet or legs. He wants to be right up against me whenever possible. In fact, his new favorite position is to have me on my back, right arm outstretched so that he can lay on that arm and snuggle his head on my shoulder. He also like to stretch out one of his legs so that he has a paw resting in the palm of my hand at all times.

We spent several hours like this today and I realized something. As much as he needed me to comfort him, I needed to be needed. So we slept and listened to BBC radio. He had running dreams and I laughed at his sleep-barking. We both found what we needed and were needed in return and we both rested.

Smile

With all the ice & rain we have had lately, sometimes its hard to find things to smile about (especially since I am only 2 days into the whole crutch thing). So in belated honor of Valentine's Day I decided to do a list of things that make me smile. After you've read mine, try making your own :)

Things that make me smile

1) Puppies (young or old)
2) Finding a $20 in an old coat
3) Crayons
4) Good friends
5) Babies
6) Naps
7) People who really listen past "fine"
8) Hugs
9) Music
10) British comedy

Crutches

So today I became the not-so-proud owner of a pair of crutches. It wasn't a Valentine's Day gift - unless the urgent care doctor has a secret crush on me & it was the best thing he could find on short notice.

 

 

Seriously though, being on crutches is a truly humbling experience and I am totally not the girl who asks for help. I was slightly frustrated when the nurse insisted on walking me to my car to make sure I didn't fall (although he was hot, so bonus). Then, at work, I had to have someone carry by back pack for me, open doors and get me a foot rest. I didn't really have a choice. These aren't things I can do for myself right now.

 

 

The crutches are my real life metaphor. No matter who you are, there are always going to be things that you can't do for yourself. It doesn't matter how smart, creative or funny a person is, everyone has limits. Personally, I find it difficult to ask for help. I have thoughts of not being worthy of being helped, fears of being a burden and a belief that asking makes me selfish. Today, however, no one who helped me acted as if any of that was true. In fact, the responses were completely opposite. So maybe asking for help doesn't have to be quite so scary.

Thru the looking glass - backwards

Sometimes the things you need to say to someone are the very things that you can't. It's like trying to follow Alice through the mirror, but tripping and falling backwards into that topsy-turvy world. What "should be" isn't and what "can't be" exists. A whole encyclopedia of words at my fingertips but somehow I can't seem to put the right ones together, so the words go unspoken. Feelings become "fine". Thoughts melt into "I don't know" or "I guess". Up is down. Wrong is right. Simple sentences become some unpronounceable foreign language and I end up screaming "GO AWAY!" when what I want to whisper is "listen"

All the King's horses

".....All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again"

I remember reading this as a child and thinking "What's wrong with these men that they can't put a simple egg back together?" and also "Who thought it was a good idea to ask the horses to help?" When I grew up, I realized how hard it would be to try to reassemble an egg and actually be able to keep all of the parts together. Then today I started thinking  - What if you could do it, but the egg didn't want to be put back together?

Have you ever tried to help someone who didn't seem to want to be helped? You can see them making the wrong choices, turning the wrong way, headed for danger but you feel powerless to stop them? You stand there waving your arms, jumping up and down, screaming at the top of your lungs but they are blind and deaf to your desperate warnings. In the end you have to watch them fall and hope they will be able to put themselves back together.

And then there is the other side. Sometimes you know the choices you are making aren't beneficial. You know you are headed down the wrong path but you can't seem to stop and turn around. You can see people trying to warn you but still you can't stop. And as you feel yourself falling you hope someone will be there who will know how to put you back together again.

Neither role is easy.
No one "wins". 
And both sides hope for a soft landing.

The Bumblebee Flies Anyway

One of my favorite (totally obscure) movies is The Bumblebee Flies Anyway. I came across it in some rental store when I was looking for something else and decided to give a chance. I completely fell in love with it. Its about a boy who wakes up in a hospital, knowing only his name & having a vague memory of a car crash. As time progresses he struggles to piece together his past, only to reach the moment of truth when he must make a decision between science and hope.

The movie is based on an old urban legend that, based on weight ratios to wing power and wind resistance, the bumblebee should be aerodynamically incapable of flight — yet, the theory says, the bumblebee doesn’t know that, so it flies anyway.

Today I was thinking about obstacles. All the things real or imagined that stand in the way of making a change. We all have rules and beliefs to which we adhere. Some of these rules and beliefs are anchored in solid fact while others are the result of real or perceived danger. But what if we didn't know the "facts"? What if we ignored the fear of the unknown? What if we "forgot" everything that says "Its impossible"? What if we just tried something believing that we could not fail?

Sometimes it's just what you need

"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need" - The Rolling Stones

Today I had a list of things I needed/ wanted to get done. Nothing exciting just everyday stuff. I had a schedule. But, as early as 8am I already felt like I was behind on my day. I sped through the morning, checking my watch. Breakfast? Check..... Laundry in? Check.... Dogs fed? Check. Everything right on schedule.

I was walking out of church, my mind running down my list of errands when it happened. A toddler kinda threw himself at me in a hug. I had to drop my stuff to grab him as he fell towards me from his dad's arms. I thought it was just one of those quick toddler hugs you get before the run off to find something else to play with but I was wrong. He didn't so much as hug me as melt into me. His little head went down on my shoulder and he sighed softly and he went limp. We stayed like that for five minutes. Then he picked up his head, gave me a huge smile and wiggled down to go play.

There were a ton of things I wanted to do today. What I needed was that hug and those five minutes. They were the best five minutes of my week.

Will the real you please stand up?

 

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

I was talking with a friend today about music and I mentioned something about how I used to sing. It wasn't anything exciting but her eyes got wide she said "I didn't know that!" It was then that I realized that there is a lot of my "real" self that I don't share with others. I can be the diligent worker or the reliable friend. I can adjust to almost any situation by simply mimicking what I see around me but it isn't who I really am inside. I've learned to do what others want at the expense of my own desires and I've lost myself in the process.

 

Without the eating disorder, behind the mask, if I take away the layers of make up and the numerous costumes I use to hide, what would I find?

 

I don't know yet but I think I'd like to find out

Baby Steps?

Anyone who has ever attempted recovery has heard these words. They can be comforting as in "Hey! I don't have to leap that building in a single bound" They can be aggravating as in "What do you mean I have to lean to walk before I can run??" And they can send chills up your spine as in "ACK!!  Do something different??"

As many times as I have heard "baby steps" they all mean the same thing - change. Let's be honest, change can be a really scary thing. You get used to something. It becomes a habit. It's comforting, familiar, safe. When I am listening to the eating disorder, I can't imagine a life without it. The rules are familiar. The order is safe. The biological response is comforting. And it is nothing but a house of cards - a lie.

But change is still scary. What would my life be like without an eating disorder? What if I mess up in recovery? What if I change and my friends don't like me anymore? I thought about these and my answers are a) I would have a LOT less rules & more time  b) You can't mess up recovery unless you choose not to recover  c) My real friends see the real me and they aren't going anywhere.

Now the hard part - the baby steps. To change you actually have to do something. It's all very well to talk about changing, but until you make up your mind to try, you will never ever take the first step. And let's face it, recovery is chock full of first steps and baby steps. People can support you, cheer you on and encourage you but no one can do it for you.

Soooo - in the spirit of change, I was inspired to come up with a list of recovery goals. I know I will not be able to accomplish them overnight but with baby steps I will get there.

Recovery Goals (Sheryl Crow's "A Change Would Do You Good" playing in the background)

1) Eat more than a sandwich for lunch

2) Throw away the scale

3) Eat pudding (I used to love it)

4) Cut my sandwich in only two pieces

5) Eat cereal with milk

6) Eat a sandwich with mayo

7) Sing in front of someone

8) Eat something different for breakfast for a week

9) Go swimming

10) Make dinner for someone & eat with them

11) Eat pancakes

Welcome and pull up a chair!!

There is a rhyme and a reason to most things - even if we can't see it at first. This is my blog about working towards recovery from an eating disorder, self injury & trauma issues. Crayons - lovely sticks of waxy color. They can take us back to a place of childhood innocence and joy. Yet, as beautiful as they are, they don't blend well. Water - a building block of life yet able to take life as well. Add heat to both and they change drastically. Crayons become like sticks of paint, swirling and mixing into glorious new hues. Heat water to warm and it can remind us of baths filled with mountains of fragrant bubbles. Heat it to boiling and it makes a comforting cup of tea. Recovery is possible. Sometimes it just takes a change