And there you are....

What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are. ~ C.S. Lewis The Magician's Nephew

When I was little, my friends and I used to play in the creek that ran behind the neighborhood. It was always an adventure as we made our way through the deep grass and down the steep banks to the rushing water below. We dared each other to leap from boulder to boulder, cheering the victors like gold medal winners in the Olympics. I re-visited that same creek not too long ago. The grass didn't seem as long as I remembered and the banks weren't as steep. The biggest disappointment though was the boulders. No longer giant slabs of granite, they had become ordinary, grey stones that were easy to walk across with minimal effort. It’s simple to cite perception as the reason for the drastic differences. So how do you explain it in reverse?

 

Lately I've noticed that it's almost effortless for me to deal with situations & emotions in front of others. I switch into "fix it" mode. No matter how large or painful the issue, it becomes as insignificant as the rocks in the creek. Crisis averted. Disaster avoided and all is fine, until I am alone. In my solitude, the thoughts and feelings I pushed away come crashing back like waves in a storm. No longer insignificant they pull at my heart, catching it in an undertow of emotion and I struggle to swim back to the safety of shore.

 

Which is real: big or little, strong or fragile? Maybe neither one, maybe both.

Alone in a crowd

"What's the difference? You weren't looking anyway." - What Dreams May Come

 

Try this experiment. Ask someone "How are you?" and see what they say. Most likely the answer will be "Fine" or "Good" and then the person will walk away. There won't be time for follow up and the answer they gave will most likely be a lie, or at least not the whole truth. Try this experiment again for the rest of the day and see what happens. Try if for a whole week but the results will seldom deviate. How many times have you answered "Fine" or "Good" to the question posed earlier? How many times has it been the honest answer?

 

We've become a society that doesn't listen and so we have also lost the inclination to tell the truth. We act surprised when tragedies happen, protesting that we "had no warning" but the truth is that we didn't listen. We didn't have the time, or more perversely, we didn't care. We bombard our senses until we are numb to the world around us and then wonder why we feel alone.

 

I tried the experiment above last week. My results weren't surprising as much as sobering. When I wanted to share good news, there was no one to listen. When I tried to provide comfort to someone I knew to be in distress, they were unable to share. It lead me to wonder what the point is in talking if no one really listens.

Voices

“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” - Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

 

Memories are funny things. A sight, a smell, even a sound can lead you down the garden path and through a door into your past. For me it was the question "What did your mother teach you?". And it didn't so much as lead me down a garden path but forcibly drag me kicking and screaming before flinging me over a cliff into a muddy pit. The list of what she failed to teach me is significant and the list of what she did teach me is divided under the headings of healthy & unhealthy with the latter having the most entries. Yet, in spite of that, I have the voice in my head that says "But she is your Mother".

 

That voice is the one that I give into every time. It's the one that makes me want to cry and then instead restrict for ever fighting against it. It's the voice that tells me that nothing I ever do will be good enough. It accuses me in every way possible and leaves no room for amends. It drives me until I am ready to drop and then berates me for selfishness.

 

And yet...

 

Every once and awhile another voice sneaks in between the accusations. It's soft and soothing. It says that everything doesn't have to be perfect. It says that it's ok to get angry and it's ok to cry. It speaks of a place where there is safety. It promises time to rest, and for a moment the voice of accusation doesn't seem so loud.

Listening to 5

I didn't want to get up this morning. I wasn't tired, I just didn't feel like myself. My inner grown up said "You have to go to work, so get up." I went to work and felt slightly grumpy but I made myself stay all day and even late. I pushed through laundry and trudged off to the grocery store to shop. I was fighting really hard to be an adult when I suddenly felt like sitting down in one of the aisles and crying. So I took a deep breath and finally listened to my inner 5 yr old. When I really listened, I realized that my ears hurt and I didn't feel well. A trip to urgent care revealed a raging ear infection.

Isn't this what most of us do all the time? We push past being tired & are quick to deny our needs. Whether you call it being "noble" or "strong" or just chalk it up to "doing what needs to be done" it really isn't beneficial. What is your inner 5 yr old trying to tell you?

Sacrifices

My Great Great Grandmothers gave up their social lives to raise my Grandmother. My Grandmother gave up her college scholarship and education to raise her brother. These are just a couple instances in a long line of sacrifices that I have had drilled into my head since I was very small. We weren't Socialists or Unitarians but those values still seemed to be prevalent in many of the life lessons. I was taught that it is more noble to sacrifice one's own desires, beliefs and possessions for the sake of others. In a perverse way I was also taught that everything can be taken away from you, so it's better to hold onto nothing.

 

Through the years I tried to rebel. When you are a child, such rebellion is countered with the threat of being left at home alone, unwanted and shamed. As a teenager the result is physical & emotional violence followed by grounding. Once you are an adult you are simply ignored and labeled as selfish. None of the reactions are pleasant but the one reserved for adulthood seems the least traumatic. The secret is that it doesn't have to be, because the damage has already been done. It reminds me of a story I heard once about how elephants are trained to stay in one place with only a bit of rope tethering them to a single wooden peg. They start when the elephant is a baby and they use a heavy chain. The youngster learns that it can only wander as far as the chain will allow it. When it is older, it retains that memory of not being able to escape and so it doesn't bother to try, even though it could now easily walk away.

 

The problem with self-sacrifice is that, like the elephant's tether, it is hard to walk away, because you are held captive by your beliefs. The other problem is that it can be a very lonely place. Some people will take everything that you have,and then when you don't even have enough to sustain yourself, will walk away. Other people will be appreciative at first but will never know who you might be beneath the layers. And then there are a very very few people who will see past "fine" and will give you a piece of themselves - not because you asked but because they knew you needed it. These are special people. Try to hold onto them even when it goes against everything you've been taught.

Secrets

Secrets. They are funny things. In treatment you are constantly asked to tell the truth and not keep them. You are reminded over and over that you are as sick as your secrets. You are encouraged and expected share your real thoughts and feelings all the time. Yet, if you were to do the same thing outside of those four walls, you would surely be shunned.

 

The very young are advised "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." and the very old have their comments attributed to a declining ability to filter. For the rest of us, it is a path of hot coals that we traverse as we try to determine the acceptable level of truth in each situation. When someone ask " How are you?", do they really want to know or or is it just the current equivalent to "Hello"? Someone else asks "What do you think?". Are they actually asking for your opinion or do they just need someone to agree with their point of view? It can truly be a slippery slope - especially if you guess wrong.

 

What is a girl to do? Keeping secrets also means wearing a mask. It prevents you from being honest with those around you - even when that is what you want the most. I used to think it was my best protection ever. As long as I had my secrets, I was safe. I could remain silent as the world around me spun in chaos. If no one knew what I really thought or felt. I thought I couldn't be hurt because no one knew me well enough to know how to hurt me. But, that was also the problem. No one knew me well enough to know when I was hurt or scared so no one could offer comfort. No one knew when I needed help, so no one helped. No one knew where I went when I needed to think and no one knew when I didn't want to be alone so no one went looking for me. And, no one knew when I was happy, so they couldn't celebrate victories with me. The very wall of secrets that I had built to keep me safe was the same one that kept me isolated and was slowly killing me.

 

Then one day I either got very brave or vary tired (I'm still not sure which). I told someone one of my secrets and then sat back to see what would happen. I didn't spontaneously combust and they didn't run screaming from the room. In fact, they said that they already knew (or at least had an idea). As time goes on, I pick and choose who I trust and who I share with. Sometimes I have good experiences and sometimes I chalk it up to learning experiences. When you share those parts of yourself with the right people, they are more willing to share parts of themselves with you as well. On the whole, it's been a very liberating experience and a lot less lonely.

Fear

Fear can be a great motivator or it can be an incredible stumbling block. It can spur you on to make positive decisions or it can prevent you from moving at all. Those who say that they have no fear are neither honest nor worthy of trust In the end, it's not the absence of fear but rather how you confront it that makes a difference

 

In the past week I battled my fear of becoming completely obsessed with my scale by sending it on vacation to my therapist's office. I challenged my fear of Spring by writing about Thomas. I confronted my fear of change by making an appointment with a new primary care doctor. Yet, as hard as I have fought, I am still afraid.

 

I fear my meal plan and not being able to tell if/ when I am hungry. I fear memories that seem more vivid than before. I fear not being good enough, smart enough or strong enough to sort through it all. And above all else, I'm afraid of disappointing those around me when the figure out how afraid I really am.

Perfection

How would you feel if nothing you did was ever good enough? What if no matter how hard you tried or how hard you pushed you always fell short? What of when someone asked you a question you never felt like you had the right answer or enough data to support your answer?

 

It's exhausting, painful and frustrating. It's also the constant mantra in my head. "Do better. push further, try harder" Nothing is every enough. It's like running a race without a finish line. Everyone wants to be their best but where do you draw the line between ambition and obsession? What if you can't?

Walls and Fences

Sometimes when people talk about creating boundaries, what they really mean is a wall. They want to create separate compartments and sections to hide areas of their lives. Healthy boundaries are more like fences. They aren't erected to keep people out permanently. They are created with both doors and locks so that the ebb and flow can be controlled. At times the door is left open while at other times it may be closed and possibly locked. Fences can be used to protect delicate flowers or to allow workmen to repair damaged pathways. They protect both those on the inside and those on the outside.

 

When working on recovery, it can be difficult to set up boundaries, especially if they are unfamiliar. While I may want to help others, be a good friend and prove how strong I am, without fences it is too easy to end up emotionally, physically & psychologically drained. When this happens I am unable to help anyone, including myself. My biggest fear is that my friends will see me as distant or, even worse, uncaring. This could not be further from the truth. I have learned though that if I don't start setting and enforcing boundaries I won't be able to support my friends and those I love at all.

Guest Blogger

One of my very good friends wrote this and I am honored that she agreed to let me share it.

When we are deeply hurt, I think our instinct is to isolate ourselves emotionally, in an attempt to avoid similar hurt in the future. Sadly, this doesn't keep us safe from hurt, it just keeps up lonely. It's what makes us feel completely alone in a crowded room. We are not built for emotional solitude. Everyone has to be able to let someone in. The tricky thing is figuring out who is deserving of that level of trust. I think that everyone needs a person who has seen you at your worst and knows you at your best and loves you the same either way. This person for whom we open the door.  ~JB

Rules and Bamboo

Rules. They keep us safe and create order in our lives. From speed limits to the unwritten one of standing in line in a store, they influence & shape the world around us. They are created by society and in personal lives. While society has the rule to stop at a stop sign, a personal one might be to never leave the house without a cell phone and money for a cab. Some rules, like wearing a seatbelt, have stood the test of time and remained, others such as "It is illegal to take a lion to the movies in Baltimore City Maryland" seem quite silly now.

 

 

Some personal rules change over time as well. You may have had a rule as a child that all crusts had to be cut off of your sandwiches, while as an adult you like the crust and keep it on. But what happens when the rules no longer make sense and yet you can't change them? One of my rules is that people in my life only get one chance. I don't mean that they can never make a mistake. I mean that if I trust someone and they break that trust my rules don't usually let me give them another chance without some sort of consequence. This rule doesn't always make sense to everyone and certainly doesn't work in every situation. It is both a safety net and a stumbling block for me. Recently I've been stuck in this rule. A trust was broken but I wouldn't choose a consequence. Neither of the usual options were palatable and not choosing didn't seem like an option either so I got stuck in a holding pattern. The more I've thought about it, the more it reminds me of bamboo. Bamboo can be beautiful and provide beautiful landscaping, however it is an invasive species. Once planted, it sends out a complicated system of roots as far and as fast as it can. Many a homeowner has found, to their detriment, that just cutting it down or pulling up the roots won't get rid of bamboo once it is established. My rules are the same way. So now the trick is to figure out not only what rules no longer work but also how to get rid of them, roots and all.

What is Truth?

Truth (as a noun) conformity with fact or reality ....and then there are the "truths" we tell when we are listening to our eating disorders. It's so easy to say " I already ate" when what I mean is "I ate at a time before now but not the meal that you are thinking of, but I know you won't ask for details." I can justify it because the statement is technically true - at least until my conscience kicks in and then I feel even worse. Today a co-worker said "You're starving?" to which I responded "No, actually I just had lunch so I'm really quite full." Of course I knew what she meant but it seemed safer to use the ed-truth. Even as it came out of my mouth I knew it was wrong, so when another friend told me that she had tattled on ed today, it inspired me to try it.

Its a really scary thing to actually admit to someone exactly what you are doing ed-wise. It also makes me feel a little more free because it's no longer a secret.

For Tom

Spring is right around the corner. The trees are getting ready to bud and the flowers are preparing to bloom. It's a time or rebirth and renewal. It's a time of joy. Spring used to be my favorite time of the year until the year Tom committed suicide. I still love the springtime but it's bittersweet. Today this is for him.

clever boy
other half of my heart
you wandered away too soon

laying in the grass
my head on your chest
your heartbeat in my ears
fingers entwined

sun in our eyes
breeze on our skin
soft kisses on my forehead
did you know you know then you were leaving?

gentle songs from your lips
stories from the heart
if you had asked then
i would have surely gone with you

years came and went
sadness remains but softens
you believed in my song 
when you couldn't believe in your own

clever boy
other half of my heart
you wandered away too soon
now i will sing loud enough for us both

Trust

“Trusting is hard. Knowing who to trust, even harder.” - Maria V Snyder, Poison Study

 

I have a hard time trusting people, so when I decide to make the leap, it's a big deal. When I perceive that someone has broken that trust, it's an even bigger deal. I've never been able to do a trust walk without peeking to see where we are going. I've never been able to even attempt a trust fall.

 

Trust is a delicate thing, like the thin stem of a wine glass. Although fragile, it can support the weight of the bowl and the wine inside. However, apply enough pressure and it can shatter into hundreds of razor sharp fragments.

 

To have trust broken on purpose is devastating. To have it broken by accident is only slightly less painful. So, to protect myself, I created rules. If I decide to really trust someone and they break that trust, they don't usually get a second chance. If I give them a second chance and they break that trust again, there are consequences and they usually involve some sort of punishment. These aren't random rules that I created out of air. These are the result of spending years being manipulated and lied to by someone who should have protected me. Time after time I forgave. Time after time I believed it would never happen again. Time after time I trusted until I couldn't do it anymore.

 

Learning to trust again has been hard. It's two steps forward and one back. It's a dance of uncertainty on a tightrope of faith and I am balancing as best as I can.

The Human Touch

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to keep you happy" - author unknown

So after the last blog I was asked "But what about you? Don't you ever feel like giving up?" The answer is of course I have. There have been times when I wanted to give up on recovery and even life. Honestly, who hasn't? I believe that everyone hits a rough spot or two or a hundred in their lives. Everyone wants to give up, even if just for a moment - anything to make the pain or fear stop. At my lowest times I've wanted to push everyone away and yet these are the moments when I've needed people the most.

On the day when the boy I loved gave up on life, my best friend reminded me that we had all lost a special person. She wasn't trying to lessen my pain but rather to make sure I knew I was included in the circle of those who were grieving. When my co-worker walked away from a job held for 15 years into the unknown, my co-workers shared their own confusion. Once again I felt less alone. Then there was the night I was tired of fighting for recovery. The past seemed insurmountable. The road seemed to dark. I felt like I couldn't go one more step. That night someone said to me "I believe in you, not the program you are in or the hospital. I believe in you" The power of those words made me take a breath and want to keep going

There aren't any magic wands but I believe in the power of the connection we have with each other. The stranger who holds the door for you; the clerk who shows off pictures of her new grandchild; the person who gives you the ten cents you are short and the friend who will sit with you when you don't have any words to say - these are magical moments. These are the sparks that keep the fires going. These are the human touch that we all need.

Look for the spark

What do you think about when someone gives up? Do you think "Well they never would have succeeded" or "Well they gave it a good try"? What if that someone is a person that you care about? Somehow the reactions change.

This week I watched two people that I care about give up. It wasn't the first time although I pray it will be the last. I've had friends give up dreams, others recovery. A co-worker walked out of work without giving any kind of notice. And a man who held my heart gave up on life.

What struck me is how familiar the road seems.

The obstacle

so large

so insurmountable

help is asked for

help is given

but somehow not enough

or not the right kind

help is begged for

but still no solution

decisions are made

bargains

promises

sparks of hope

but the blindness has set it

no turning back

one more try

then they are gone

Everyone feels like giving up sometimes. Everyone has obstacles and fears. I don't know what makes one person keep going while another gives up. Maybe it's being able to see that spark of hope in the darkness. Maybe it's knowing that someone believes in you. Whatever it is for you, don't lose sight of it and never stop fighting.

I Won't Grow Up

"When they tell me I am too old to do something, I attempt it immediately" Pablo Picasso

In the space of less than three days I was asked more than three times "Don't you think you're a little old for"...... My answer to that is NO!! Absolutely not! And furthermore, how DARE you even ask me that! So there!

Seriously, no one should ever be too old to enjoy life. Life is made up of so many wonderful things that fill the world with magic and color. When we stop noticing those things the world gets a little more grey and life seems a little less magical. Recovery is hard work and I, for one, need a little magic in my life.

Below is my little list of where I have found the magic this week. My challenge to you is to take a few minutes, hold your breath, count to ten and look for the magic around you.

* Go through a car wash. Close your eyes and listen to the water as it runs over and around you.
* Watch a dog sleep & dream
* Listen to the wind blow and imagine where it is going
* Follow a sunbeam
* Try out all the crayons in the box - twice
* Watch cartoons in your PJs
* Bubbles
* Listen to or read a classic children's story (My fave is The Wind in the Willows)

Resting

With many dogs in my house and many activities that take up my time, sometimes its hard to remember that I need to take time to rest. My friends have similar issues as I discovered recently when one sent me a text saying "I'll rest when I'm dead". However, having a sprained ankle & foot has definitely slowed me down. I didn't realize I was doing too much until I woke up this morning to discover my foot/ankle swelling up again - the result of doing too much yesterday. So today I basically stayed in bed. What I discovered was kinda cool.

One of our dogs is a natural cuddler. He doesn't just want to lay on my feet or legs. He wants to be right up against me whenever possible. In fact, his new favorite position is to have me on my back, right arm outstretched so that he can lay on that arm and snuggle his head on my shoulder. He also like to stretch out one of his legs so that he has a paw resting in the palm of my hand at all times.

We spent several hours like this today and I realized something. As much as he needed me to comfort him, I needed to be needed. So we slept and listened to BBC radio. He had running dreams and I laughed at his sleep-barking. We both found what we needed and were needed in return and we both rested.

Smile

With all the ice & rain we have had lately, sometimes its hard to find things to smile about (especially since I am only 2 days into the whole crutch thing). So in belated honor of Valentine's Day I decided to do a list of things that make me smile. After you've read mine, try making your own :)

Things that make me smile

1) Puppies (young or old)
2) Finding a $20 in an old coat
3) Crayons
4) Good friends
5) Babies
6) Naps
7) People who really listen past "fine"
8) Hugs
9) Music
10) British comedy

Crutches

So today I became the not-so-proud owner of a pair of crutches. It wasn't a Valentine's Day gift - unless the urgent care doctor has a secret crush on me & it was the best thing he could find on short notice.

 

 

Seriously though, being on crutches is a truly humbling experience and I am totally not the girl who asks for help. I was slightly frustrated when the nurse insisted on walking me to my car to make sure I didn't fall (although he was hot, so bonus). Then, at work, I had to have someone carry by back pack for me, open doors and get me a foot rest. I didn't really have a choice. These aren't things I can do for myself right now.

 

 

The crutches are my real life metaphor. No matter who you are, there are always going to be things that you can't do for yourself. It doesn't matter how smart, creative or funny a person is, everyone has limits. Personally, I find it difficult to ask for help. I have thoughts of not being worthy of being helped, fears of being a burden and a belief that asking makes me selfish. Today, however, no one who helped me acted as if any of that was true. In fact, the responses were completely opposite. So maybe asking for help doesn't have to be quite so scary.

Thru the looking glass - backwards

Sometimes the things you need to say to someone are the very things that you can't. It's like trying to follow Alice through the mirror, but tripping and falling backwards into that topsy-turvy world. What "should be" isn't and what "can't be" exists. A whole encyclopedia of words at my fingertips but somehow I can't seem to put the right ones together, so the words go unspoken. Feelings become "fine". Thoughts melt into "I don't know" or "I guess". Up is down. Wrong is right. Simple sentences become some unpronounceable foreign language and I end up screaming "GO AWAY!" when what I want to whisper is "listen"

All the King's horses

".....All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again"

I remember reading this as a child and thinking "What's wrong with these men that they can't put a simple egg back together?" and also "Who thought it was a good idea to ask the horses to help?" When I grew up, I realized how hard it would be to try to reassemble an egg and actually be able to keep all of the parts together. Then today I started thinking  - What if you could do it, but the egg didn't want to be put back together?

Have you ever tried to help someone who didn't seem to want to be helped? You can see them making the wrong choices, turning the wrong way, headed for danger but you feel powerless to stop them? You stand there waving your arms, jumping up and down, screaming at the top of your lungs but they are blind and deaf to your desperate warnings. In the end you have to watch them fall and hope they will be able to put themselves back together.

And then there is the other side. Sometimes you know the choices you are making aren't beneficial. You know you are headed down the wrong path but you can't seem to stop and turn around. You can see people trying to warn you but still you can't stop. And as you feel yourself falling you hope someone will be there who will know how to put you back together again.

Neither role is easy.
No one "wins". 
And both sides hope for a soft landing.

The Bumblebee Flies Anyway

One of my favorite (totally obscure) movies is The Bumblebee Flies Anyway. I came across it in some rental store when I was looking for something else and decided to give a chance. I completely fell in love with it. Its about a boy who wakes up in a hospital, knowing only his name & having a vague memory of a car crash. As time progresses he struggles to piece together his past, only to reach the moment of truth when he must make a decision between science and hope.

The movie is based on an old urban legend that, based on weight ratios to wing power and wind resistance, the bumblebee should be aerodynamically incapable of flight — yet, the theory says, the bumblebee doesn’t know that, so it flies anyway.

Today I was thinking about obstacles. All the things real or imagined that stand in the way of making a change. We all have rules and beliefs to which we adhere. Some of these rules and beliefs are anchored in solid fact while others are the result of real or perceived danger. But what if we didn't know the "facts"? What if we ignored the fear of the unknown? What if we "forgot" everything that says "Its impossible"? What if we just tried something believing that we could not fail?

Sometimes it's just what you need

"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need" - The Rolling Stones

Today I had a list of things I needed/ wanted to get done. Nothing exciting just everyday stuff. I had a schedule. But, as early as 8am I already felt like I was behind on my day. I sped through the morning, checking my watch. Breakfast? Check..... Laundry in? Check.... Dogs fed? Check. Everything right on schedule.

I was walking out of church, my mind running down my list of errands when it happened. A toddler kinda threw himself at me in a hug. I had to drop my stuff to grab him as he fell towards me from his dad's arms. I thought it was just one of those quick toddler hugs you get before the run off to find something else to play with but I was wrong. He didn't so much as hug me as melt into me. His little head went down on my shoulder and he sighed softly and he went limp. We stayed like that for five minutes. Then he picked up his head, gave me a huge smile and wiggled down to go play.

There were a ton of things I wanted to do today. What I needed was that hug and those five minutes. They were the best five minutes of my week.

Will the real you please stand up?

 

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

I was talking with a friend today about music and I mentioned something about how I used to sing. It wasn't anything exciting but her eyes got wide she said "I didn't know that!" It was then that I realized that there is a lot of my "real" self that I don't share with others. I can be the diligent worker or the reliable friend. I can adjust to almost any situation by simply mimicking what I see around me but it isn't who I really am inside. I've learned to do what others want at the expense of my own desires and I've lost myself in the process.

 

Without the eating disorder, behind the mask, if I take away the layers of make up and the numerous costumes I use to hide, what would I find?

 

I don't know yet but I think I'd like to find out

Baby Steps?

Anyone who has ever attempted recovery has heard these words. They can be comforting as in "Hey! I don't have to leap that building in a single bound" They can be aggravating as in "What do you mean I have to lean to walk before I can run??" And they can send chills up your spine as in "ACK!!  Do something different??"

As many times as I have heard "baby steps" they all mean the same thing - change. Let's be honest, change can be a really scary thing. You get used to something. It becomes a habit. It's comforting, familiar, safe. When I am listening to the eating disorder, I can't imagine a life without it. The rules are familiar. The order is safe. The biological response is comforting. And it is nothing but a house of cards - a lie.

But change is still scary. What would my life be like without an eating disorder? What if I mess up in recovery? What if I change and my friends don't like me anymore? I thought about these and my answers are a) I would have a LOT less rules & more time  b) You can't mess up recovery unless you choose not to recover  c) My real friends see the real me and they aren't going anywhere.

Now the hard part - the baby steps. To change you actually have to do something. It's all very well to talk about changing, but until you make up your mind to try, you will never ever take the first step. And let's face it, recovery is chock full of first steps and baby steps. People can support you, cheer you on and encourage you but no one can do it for you.

Soooo - in the spirit of change, I was inspired to come up with a list of recovery goals. I know I will not be able to accomplish them overnight but with baby steps I will get there.

Recovery Goals (Sheryl Crow's "A Change Would Do You Good" playing in the background)

1) Eat more than a sandwich for lunch

2) Throw away the scale

3) Eat pudding (I used to love it)

4) Cut my sandwich in only two pieces

5) Eat cereal with milk

6) Eat a sandwich with mayo

7) Sing in front of someone

8) Eat something different for breakfast for a week

9) Go swimming

10) Make dinner for someone & eat with them

11) Eat pancakes

Welcome and pull up a chair!!

There is a rhyme and a reason to most things - even if we can't see it at first. This is my blog about working towards recovery from an eating disorder, self injury & trauma issues. Crayons - lovely sticks of waxy color. They can take us back to a place of childhood innocence and joy. Yet, as beautiful as they are, they don't blend well. Water - a building block of life yet able to take life as well. Add heat to both and they change drastically. Crayons become like sticks of paint, swirling and mixing into glorious new hues. Heat water to warm and it can remind us of baths filled with mountains of fragrant bubbles. Heat it to boiling and it makes a comforting cup of tea. Recovery is possible. Sometimes it just takes a change